Maria’s Story

My story starts out a little different than most abortion stories you might hear. I am one of thirteen children who was born and raised by two outstanding parents. I grew up in a strict but loving Catholic family. We went to church every Sunday, prayed the rosary together every night, and went to confession every other Saturday. My mom started a Right to Life chapter in our area. I can remember as a child praying in front of an abortion clinic that was down the street from my house.

As I grew older I noticed that I wasn’t able to do what other kids at school could. My parents would check the local Catholic newspaper to see what movies were appropriate before I could go with my friends. When I was a senior in high school, I wanted to go to a friend’s house after prom to watch movies with other couples. My dad called their parents to see what movie we would be watching and to make sure the parents would be there chaperoning. All of this was very embarrassing for me. I can remember feeling like my parents didn’t understand and I wished that they would trust me to make the right decision.

It wasn’t too long after prom that I went away to college. I went to a state school and what I found at that school, I wasn’t prepared for—staying out late at night, going to parties, and skipping class. I found freedom! Or so I thought. It only took one wrong decision and then one sin turned into another and pretty soon, I didn’t even bother going to church anymore. All of this sin turned my soul dark. I was living but my soul was dead.

When I was 21 years old I chose to abort my child. I had went from being a kind, outgoing girl to someone I couldn’t recognize anymore. I knew right from wrong and I chose wrong! No one forced me, my parents didn’t even know.

The day that my baby died I realized that I had died too. I was so sorry, but I couldn’t take back what I had just done. I went to confession and told God that I was sorry, but somehow I couldn’t forgive myself. It took me seven years after my abortion to start becoming who God had created me to be.

I was asked to go on a Rachel’s Vineyard Retreat in order to bring post-abortive healing to others. At that time I can remember thinking that I would go but that I didn’t really need anything out of it. I would just bring it back for others. God had another plan. Isaiah 55:8-9 says, My thoughts, says the Lord, are not like yours, and my ways are different from yours. As high as the heavens are above the earth, so high are my ways and thoughts above yours.

That weekend God healed me in ways I didn’t even know I needed healing. The retreat turned out to be the most wonderful gift from God. There is no way I could have imagined the outcome of this retreat. I witnessed broken, wounded women and men transformed before my very eyes. They were healed spiritually by the Divine Physician. These women and men are your every day nurses, doctors, teachers, anyone—maybe even the mom or dad next door. The Holy Spirit stripped away our social status. It didn’t matter what color we were, where we worked, what we looked like, or how much money we made. Each of us was left standing in front of each other as brothers and sisters in Christ. I left the retreat truly knowing what it means to be Christ to one another.

Recently, I told my two children about their sister, Mary Elizabeth. We cried. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I had to answer tough questions like, “Why Mary? Why not me? Why did you do it?” I told my children that I was so sorry and that God had forgiven me. I told them the good news. That there is no unforgivable sin. When you are truly sorry God will always let you start over on a clean piece of paper. We talked about the pain and suffering of losing Mary and uniting that suffering with Jesus on the cross; and how Jesus let me share in his resurrection by forgiving me and by letting me start over. We pray for Mary every night as a family and we ask for her prayers from heaven.

Finally I know what it means to have true freedom. To open up and let other people know my sin of abortion, the pain, the guilt, and the grief that it caused. I can also shine light, hope, and mercy into the dark night of human pain experienced by parents and families who have lost a child to abortion. This is my deepest darkest secret and yet Jesus makes all things new! I thought I had found freedom in college but what I discovered is that I had become a slave to sin.

I am like the woman who is hemorrhaging and touches Jesus’ cloak. I am like the woman who washed Jesus’ feet with her tears and dried them with her hair. These stories in the Bible give me hope, because Jesus loves these women and I know He loves me too! My prayer of thanksgiving to God…

Thank you Lord, for loving me.

Thank you for treating me like the prodigal son.

When I was sorry, You didn’t yell at me or shame me.

You ran down the road, hugged me, and lifted me up.

I praise you today!

Your daughter,

Maria

You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.                   Genesis 50:20

One Couple's Testimony of Love...

Todd: I had always envisioned having a large family, with a loving wife and children running all around the house. I have a loving wife and a fabulous 21 year old son, Zach. This year my wife and I will celebrate 26 years of marriage. Even though we have a beautiful family, 27 years ago we made a decision that would alter our family forever.

Vicki: Todd and I had met my senior year of college. We shared similar interests and enjoyed each other’s company. He was the first man in my life that I felt comfortable with and matched the qualifications I looked for in a husband. We never really talked about marriage at that time but we were falling in love with each other. American culture at that time was very much into “if it feels good do it.” Even though Todd and I were brought up in Christian homes, had accepted Jesus Christ as our Lord and Personal Savior, and we knew sex before marriage was wrong, we fell quickly into a physical relationship. It wasn’t long before I became pregnant. I had already graduated from college and had moved back home to substitute teach.

Todd: When Vicki told me about her being pregnant, I was numb and sick to my stomach. I was afraid of what our parents would say and their reaction. How could we tell them? My parents are Christians and very conservative. I am their only son and I was afraid of the hurt and shame that I would cause them. I had shared with two of my friends at work about Vicki being pregnant and they recommended a local abortion clinic. I knew that abortion was wrong but it seemed the only solution to a terrible situation. My fear of my parents was stronger than my fear of God. I didn’t put my faith in God and allow Him to help my parents understand. To this day my parents still do not know. I know that is a bridge I must yet cross.

Vicki: I had always dreamed of a career in coaching and teaching. I wanted to teach physical education and health and coach at the high school level. I was substitute teaching my first year out of college and had just signed a contract with a school north of my hometown when I became pregnant. I was hired to teach physical education and health and be the Varsity Volleyball and Basketball Coach at the high school in town. I knew that they would not hire me if I were pregnant. I thought I would have to give up the contract. Like Todd, I thought abortion seemed an easy way to keep things the way they were “supposed to be.” We wouldn’t have to tell our parents and I wouldn’t have to give up my new job. As I reflect back on that time I can’t believe how self-centered I was in putting my career in front of the birth of our baby. Abortion was a quick fix to an unwanted pregnancy. At the time, my parents were going through a terrible divorce and I know I didn’t share with my own mother because I was very angry at her for what she was doing to my father and our family. Again, very selfish motivations. It is hard to admit that ugly side of my human nature.

Todd: We figured Vicki was 8 to 10 weeks along when we made the appointment for the abortion. I remember driving Vicki to the abortion clinic. It was a very quiet ride as we were both anxious, not knowing what to expect. Vicki was last on the list, so I left for awhile and then came back. I was waiting for her when she came out. When we left the clinic that day we did not talk about the abortion or what had happened in that room for the next 25 years. We kept our own private pain, sadness, shame and sorrow buried deep inside.

Vicki: Many women were there that day. I was not alone, but no one really talked. While I was in recovery, I overheard a women say this was her third time. I couldn’t believe it. Why would you put yourself through this three times? It felt as though we were being herded through like cattle. No one asked whether I wanted an abortion or not. No one warned me of physical and emotional problems that would come. They just took me through the steps as if they did a hundred abortions a day. They didn’t even tell me what they were going to do to me. The process was quick and numbing. I waited in recovery for a short time and then was released.
I had a lot of cramping and bleeding for several days. I chose not to share with Todd what happened because I didn’t want him to feel bad. I figured I could handle it myself. Boy was I wrong. This decision was going to have lifetime consequences.

Todd: A year after the abortion Vicki and I were married. We decided to wait 5 years before we started our own family. Our son, Zach, was born in May of 1985. He was the joy of our lives and we looked forward to having younger siblings for him to enjoy as well. Over the next five years, Vicki became pregnant three more times but miscarried each time. After the last one we decided to stop trying and enjoy the family God had given to us.

Vicki: After we were married, I moved to where Todd was working and started teaching at a Catholic School. Up until that time, I had not shared with anyone about the unwanted pregnancy nor the abortion. Sister Anne, the director of the school where I worked shared a troubling story about a former employee who had just given birth to a baby boy with spinal bifida. She shared how excited the woman had been to be pregnant and to have this baby. I shared about my abortion and how sorry I was for what I did.

Although I believed God had forgiven me I could not forgive myself. She listened and encouraged me to seek counseling. I grew very depressed at this time and knew the cause was the abortion. I just didn’t know where to turn for help. At that time, people didn’t talk about abortion. It seemed best to keep it buried so I didn’t have to feel any pain. I was totally numb to any emotions at all. I would often think about the aborted baby. I had always felt she was a girl. I always wondered what she looked like and what her personality would be like. Whether she would have been a good athlete.

Todd: Years later, in 2005, Susan, a good friend of ours, told us about a ministry called Rachel’s Vineyard. She encouraged us to check it out on the internet and see if anyone in the area knew anything about it. After seeking and praying, we made the decision to sign-up and go. As the time drew near to the weekend, I became very nervous, anxious, and hesitant about going. I was concerned about being the only man there and bringing up all the awful feelings about the abortion.

Vicki: God had spoken to me very clearly a few months before Rachel’s Vineyard. I attended the funeral for the baby of one of my students. I had never attended a funeral for a baby. I was standing in the cemetery with the midwife and the grave digger and I asked God, “Why am I here?” In such a clear and peaceful way, He simply said, “Because you have not grieved the loss of your child, the one you aborted.” I knew that I had never grieved. I never felt any emotion after the abortion. When Susan informed us about Rachel’s Vineyard, I knew that was our opportunity to start the healing and grieving process. I was so thankful that Todd agreed to go, because he needed to go through the process as well. We never talked about the abortion with each other because it was too painful. It became a barrier between us which lasted for years.

Todd: Upon arrival at the Rachel’s Vineyard retreat, I was surprised and relieved to see other men there. Their presence was an answer to prayer and helped lessen my anxiety. The people were wonderful. They were very caring, compassionate, and nonjudgmental. The love of Christ flowed out of each of them as they loved us back to life. I knew we were supposed to be there and I was thankful we were. As we participated in the different activities and shared our experiences with each other, I realized we weren’t alone. I started the healing process of our abortion by learning how to grieve our aborted baby, and those we miscarried. I also learned that God loves us no matter what we have done. I asked God to forgive Vicki and me for the sin of the abortion. Coming away from the Rachel’s Vineyard weekend, I had a peace that I hadn’t felt in over 26 years. I was freed from a lot of guilt and shame that I had carried.

Vicki: Like Todd, I also experienced freedom. I felt like 200 lbs had been lifted off my chest. Naming the babies lost, writing letters to them, and having a memorial service helped start my healing process. As I wrote and read the letters I had written to our aborted baby and those miscarried I cried for the first time in over 26 years. I was able to feel sadness, joy, sorrow, and love. For the first time since the abortion, I was able to allow God to minister to me and feel His presence as never before and as a result I was enabled to forgive myself. I felt God’s love, not condemnation. Praise God! Todd and I have prayed for God to open up doors of opportunity for us to share our story with others so they can start the healing process from abortion. Thank you for giving us this opportunity.